Banff!
After a two-day rail adventure, the Rocky Mountaineer hand delivered us to our lodgings--a very nice way to enter any town.
Thursday
10:43 a.m.
Analog Coffee for some tepid drip coffee upgraded to Americano and fine views of Tunnel Mountain.
3:27 p.m.
After walking the entire 3.2 km of the town, we ended up at The Royal Canadian Legion.
While the place gives off an upscale VFW vibe, it's open to non-members and offered me some sound local intel and a $4.70 Legion lager. Sherry, my bartender, mentioned that French onion soup is almost as Canadian as poutine, that we should visit the Fan Cafe for coffee, the Grizzly House for dinner, and that I should be wary of the Banff Collective. The latter was determined to be "a multi-concept restaurant and entertainment company with 16 venues and counting." While it sounded a little more banal than the Borg Collective, it didn't sound particularly appetizing.¹
4:56 p.m.
What kind of fare would a grizzly bear eat? Well, obviously steak and . . . fondue. If I had known the Grizzly House's back story as former swingers club, no matter what Sherry recommended, I would have come for the French onion soup and of course . . . fondue. It still has phones next to each table for patrons to "connect," which I used to call this hottie by the front window (and that's all I have to say about that). The decor is Alpine meets Alberta saloon meets Bilbo Baggins’ dining room.
Friday
11:30 a.m.
The Fan Cafe sat in a storefront completely devoid of comfy chairs and character, so I called an audible and coffeed at a slightly more stylish storefront called Downtown Sally, with a local delicacy called the “Breakfast Wrap.” The Missus made the astute observation that the tortilla wrapper was so tasty that she even ate the folded nub that she normally finds inedible.
3:08 p.m.
Took the chairlift almost up to the top of Mt. Norquay to have a Best of Kin Fire Bloom honey lager and halloumi cheese at the Cliffhouse Bistro. Part of the Marilyn Monroe movie River of No Return was filmed in Banff, which also made for some unforgettable views.
4:53 p.m.
I didn't think there could be a cheaper beer than the one I had at the Royal Canadian Legion, but then I saw a sign from either heaven or a sandwich board at the Beaver Bar at the Samesun Hostel, that mentioned I could get one for Can$4 ($2.88).² Now, before you think my time in Banff was entirely spent searching for inexpensive beer, I had asked the bartender if I could get a classic Negroni and not the blackberry one on the menu. I could not. So, you see, this was less about cheap beer and more about the sanctity of the Negroni. I then watched a little Canadian Football League (CFL) pregame coverage about the Ottawa Redblacks' 14-game losing streak.³
7:09 p.m.
If you can't stay at the Banff Springs Hotel due to economics or because your wife (thankfully) waited too late to book it, then have drinks and dinner there, starting with a proper Negroni at the Ramsey Bar. Due to a wedding reception in Mount Stephen Hall that blocked direct access, we were routed around it, via an up and down, left and then right maze that at one point had us overlooking the impeding reception. It was all for the best, as this obstruction had a thinning effect on the bar's patrons.
7:35 p.m.
Then some Haida Gwaii Sablefish bisque at the hotel's 1888 Chop House. It was outstanding, and may have even been better knowing we didn't pay the four-figure room rate. I then went with the larger 16 oz. ribeye (Ontario) for the same reason I always do, the incremental cost is minimal and then I have leftovers.
9:47 p.m.
We walked back to the ranch to work it all off and then reached "no man's land" near the Bow River Bridge, which forced us to duck into . . . . you guessed it, the Royal Canadian Legion for an after-dinner Crown Royal, Budweiser, and access to the facilities. Sherry wasn't on duty, but a whole new cast of characters gave us a whole new set of intel (the locals drink at Tommy's Neighbourhood Pub).
10:48 p.m.
Executive time in the hotel's hot pools.
11:09 p.m.
Blogged these very words while finishing off my leftover ribeye.
Saturday
11:32 a.m.
Coffee at some place I'd rather not remember, where some American told me to open the front door to let out a bird that had wandered in. How did I know he was an American? When I motioned to the door and told him, "Help yourself," he became very indignant.
1:50 p.m.
After buying a ticket at the Banff Visitor Centre, boarded the 8X bus for Johnston Canyon, a sheer limestone canyon cut by the eponymous creek. The bus is routed via the Trans-Canadian Highway, which has well-maintained wire fencing on either side, cow gates at the exits, and expansive overpasses to prevent wildlife from becoming roadkill. I said to myself, "Michael, I've a feeling we're not in Kansas City anymore." There are two waterfalls along the canyon trail, and while the second one is a little nicer than the first, it's doubly worth it, as the extra thousand or so metres thins trail congestion by fatiguing out the riff-raff.
On the way back, the bus driver pulled over at an RCMP traffic stop. She then opened the door to talk with the Mountie and offered him some bus camera footage she had previously taken when the offending pickup truck earlier passed us. While the constable wasn't in his full Mountie getup, it was still kind of cool and made me realize that in the Great White North, citizens still view federal law enforcement as the good guys.
7:45 p.m.
Some delicious Arctic char at Good Folk, the hotel restaurant. Sometimes you just want to keep things easy.
9:45 p.m.
The hotel sauna for a post-Arctic char sweat.
Sunday
8:20 a.m.
The 9 bus to Lake Louise to canoe on the most picturesque lake I ever have canoed on. The very adjacent Fairmont Lake Louise Hotel has at least 50 very large signs telling non-guests to stay out. We didn’t listen to any of them and bought some breakfast at the Guide's Pantry, which was eaten while sitting on one of the hotel's rock benches whilst viewing the lake. According to a young lady we met at the Three Bears (see below), all the signs are posted to keep some of the guests out, as the property does want to sell some of its overpriced breakfast wraps (with odd ranch dressing) and coffee to non-hotel guests.
1:47 p.m.
Was walking down Banff Ave, looked up and saw a roof deck with 360° views. Next thing you know, it was Beer O'clock at The Elk & Oarsman.
6:30 p.m.
I’m always down for schnitzel and spätzle, so when Fräulein AAR wanted to make a reservation at the Waldhaus for dinner, after ensuring it was not part of the Collective, I said "Jawohl!" It’s actually part of the Banff Springs Hotel. Excellent German food (except for the odd schnitzel gravy that was thankfully on the side) combined with beautiful views of moose, the Rockies, and numerous golfers slicing the 15th hole tee shot into the woods. There was some sort of emergency that required a helicopter to land nearby for a Rocky Mountain Helirescue Beer O'clock. I was tempted to stay for another stein of Hacker Pschorr Munich Gold to try and find out what happened, but that seemed a little too morbid. Instead, we walked home via the beautiful Bow Falls.
Monday
7:51 a.m.
Boarded the 1 bus to the base of Sulphur Mountain and then, after a Starbucks coffee, we were on the the Banff Gondola to the summit. This is the typical tourist gondola affair, a pricey and short trip to some panoramic views and only a slightly less pricey gift shop--the part of you that smells just a little too many tourists is overridden by the part that smells "FOMO ahead." Spectacular views and a surprisingly evocative 10-minute film.
1:49 p.m.
Had a Banff Ave Brewing Black Pilsner and eponymous Salad at Three Bears, where I was finally assimilated into the Banff Collective. Two adjacent Banff Springs Hotel employees gave us the skinny on Banff hospitality: they might be getting too old for all the long hours, parties, and cramped staff accommodations; the Collective did help out other smaller businesses, and while they would love to visit the States they're going to hold off for now.
3:30 p.m.
A prompt departure to Calgary via the Flix Bus.
Transportation
Banff has an excellent municipal bus system that can get you to most of the places you will want to go. It, though, does not use a contactless credit card, so you will need to get a bus pass, pay exact cash onboard, use an app, buy tickets at a kiosk or the Banff Visitor Centre. Possibly due to my Influencer status, my hotel graciously gave me a bus pass; unfortunately, it couldn’t be used on all the routes I wanted to ride (i.e. the more expensive ones I took to Johnston Canyon and to Lake Louise).
That brings me to Uber . . . which is not allowed in Banff! So if you are running late to meet friends you made on the Rocky Mountaineer train from Vancouver, you will need to ask the front desk to call a taxi, which will not show up in three minutes as claimed (or 15, for that matter), forcing you to use your bus pass to connect twice and arrive 45 minutes late. I know that some people think Uber is the devil's work (i.e. taxi drivers) but it does offer an efficient way for riders to get places in a hurry or to places the bus doesn't go. And without it, customers are forced to hire taxis the exact same way they were hired in 1876.⁴
Lodgings
The Banff Springs Hotel was so booked up, we were forced to book the hotel furthest from it: The Otter Hotel. It's exactly a year old, and it still has that new hotel smell. The architecture is the modern timber framed, national park, lodge type, which appears to be de rigueur for all new building in Banff!
The worst internet I've ever experienced, and as Mrs. AAR can attest, we've stayed in some pretty crappy hotels. So bad, in fact, that this Report would have contained noticeably better witticisms, grammar, and sarcasm if not for many of them going unsaved.
As much as it lacked in internet, it almost made up for in rooftop hot pools, which is how Canadians say hot tubs. I think we can all agree that the former evokes a natural, healing, Zen-like setting with mountain vistas, which it was, and not the latter, which evokes a bunch of complaining old geezers sitting in one at the YMCA. The hot pools were so nice that the Banff Upper Hot Springs were given the go-by.
Endnotes: I wanted to provide some very specific details that, while vaguely interesting, did not contribute to the overall narrative. Perhaps just wait until the end to enjoy.
¹ It appears that the Banff Collective has assimilated almost every possible cuisine: Italian, pizza, Mexican, craft brewery, sushi, distillery, steak (not the Grizzly House), sports bar, etc. I'm thinking the 17th restaurant assimilated will be either Ethiopian or Nigerian.
² Whilst I am entirely to old to sleep in a hostel, I am not, to drink in one.
³ The Redblacks lost to the Winnipeg Blue Bombers, setting a CFL record 15-game losing streak.
⁴ Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone in 1876.
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