Hyundai Hijack

Thanks to the Kia Boys and Hyundai Bean Counters it feels like everyone wants to steal my Hyundai.

Soon after moving into our new townhouse condo a number of our neighbors had their car’s catalytic converter stolen while it sat in front of their house. I knew it was all about “accessing” the platinum and palladium contained within that helps neutralize harmful engine exhaust. All of which confirmed my prior experience on the subject: only criminals can make money dealing in precious metals.

I was made aware of each of these thefts the same exact way, by an email asking if I’d “seen anything last night?” Due the ubiquitous of the Ring doorbell, a grainy photo of a man or a dark sedan would be attached. While I really felt for the victim, their efforts all seemed so fruitless. While I’m not sure how it is where you live, here in Kansas City, no matter how sharp the image, unless the thief became physically stuck under the car there was zero chance of him being apprehended.

My subsequent review of the internet determined that the spike in catalytic converter thefts was most likely due to the increased value of platinum and palladium and more importantly that my 2013 Hyundai Elantra GT was not a likely victim.  

So I was confused when my wife said that we needed to take more precautions to ensure it was not stolen. I told her about all the extensive research I had done and that our baby, “Harriet,” was not on the catalytic hit list. She then informed me that she didn’t give a rat’s ass how palladium reduced smog, but that Hyundais were being stolen at an increasing rate and we needed “to defend ourselves.”

It appears that starting in 2011, Hyundai in an effort to make a nickel more on each vehicle sold, stopped installing an immobilizer on most of its models. For you non-gearheads, an immobilizer prevents the engine from being started unless your key transmits the correct electronic code to your vehicle. It makes for a very effective anti-theft device. If you do not own a Hyundai (or a Kia) rest easy, as you almost certainly have one, as the manufacturer of your car decided to forgo that extra nickel in return for long term brand value.   

Then thanks to the wonder of the TikTok, in 2022 the Kia Boyz started sharing their skills in stealing unimmobilized Kias and Hyundias. In order to prevent Subscribers from entering a life of crime and more importantly increase the security of Harriet, a link has not been provided.

I still had trouble believing that anyone would want to steal my car. Now I am well aware that many cars are stolen for shipment overseas, but we’re talking about Range Rovers, not an Elantra with 100,000 miles on it. My cursory review made me realize that many of these stolen Elantras, Accents and Souls are being stolen for joyrides, cross town transportation or for just plain . . .  kicks. And in almost all cases just like the catalytic converter crook their chance of being apprehended is infinitesimal.    

I did notice, during all this automotive anti-theft analysis, that this was not an issue in Canada. At first I chalked this up to the Great White North’s reputation for civility, greater cultural cohesiveness, and significantly less violent crime, but it may have been due to the fact that since 2007 it has been legally required that all cars are sold with an immobilizer.  

Now it appeared that my only recourse was to have Hyundai upgrade my mark or should I say car with “a free anti-theft software upgrade for affected customers.”

So an appointment with my local dealer was made. I also thought I could work this to my advantage and have them diagnose my check engine light, you know to make up for the fact Hyundai had painted a giant bulls-eye on my car. And if I played my cards right maybe they’d throw in a free tire rotation.

Well at the appointed time I handed my keys to the the dealer service rep, who after looking over the car informed me he could troubleshoot the check engine light for $175. “Well so much for that stratagem,” I thought. I declined and sat in the adjacent customer lounge and stared at my car for the next 45 minutes. It was then moved about 30 feet forward where it then sat for another 15.

When I was handed the keys back an hour after that, I told the rep that “as soon as I hand you the key, you might want to move my car out of my line of sight, so I have the illusion it is being worked on.” I really thought I was providing helpful advice, that is until he replied, that the appointment I made was not to get the car repaired, but it was actually appointment with him, so that he could then get it scheduled for repair . . . and that two hours wasn’t really that long at all.”

I wasn’t sure what to make of this, but like Watto in The Phantom Menace, I was immune to his Jedi-mind tricks. He also had cleared the check engine light, so now I couldn’t even take it to my car guy for diagnosis. It all got me to thinking: why didn’t Hyundai install this anti-theft software back in the day, they might not be looking after my best interests and maybe this was all an automotive placebo. They did though “install” window stickers that stated “THIS VEHICLE EQUIPED WITH HYUNDAI ANTI-THEFT LOGIC.” 

“Logic?” I thought, “I wonder how long marketing took to come up with that one” and that maybe they could have just mailed me the stickers so I could have saved three hours of my life.  

It also got me to thinking that maybe my car was no safer than it was three hours earlier, which after reading that logical Elantras were still being stolen, made me realize that increased security measures might be prudent.

Some 26 years earlier, I had driven a 1970 Chevy Nova. It was metaphysically “unstealable,” not because of any anti-theft logic, but because I only paid $400 for it, I wasn’t much concerned if it was stolen. You see much like sunglasses, you only lose $200 RayBans and and not the $20 ones you buy at the mall kiosk. When I left the Navy, as a going away present, a shipmate gave me the Club steering wheel lock as it was a tradition on the USS LOUISVILLE (SSN-726), that only gag gifts were given to departing shipmates. I also received a McDonald’s job application form and a copy of Oh, the Places You'll Go! by Dr. Seuss.  

Well, it was broken out of mothballs, and put back into service, installed upside down for increased deterrence. Now I realize that the Club also has its shortcomings (for the same reasons mentioned above a link has not been provided) but at least I've tried. I have also partaken in the logic that allowed me to join a lawsuit against Hyundai, and while it won’t make my car any more secure, it has made me feel just a little bit better.

In the end though I’ve realized that the greatest “anti-theft logic” may have been the logic to buy a car with a manual transmission and maybe I need to get a sticker for that. 

The Sticker in Question