Tallinn, the First 2.5 Days

Estonia has always been my favorite Baltic State.¹

Took the Tallink ferry from Helsinki to Tallinn. The ferry is a very nice way to travel in Europe. No TSA or carry on/checked bag shenanigans, just arrive at the ferry terminal, scan your boarding card, stroll onboard, take a seat at a two-top by the window in the Sea Pub, order one last lonkero, watch the Baltic go by, then arrive Tallin exactly two hours later, stroll offboard and then to the hotel.

After drinking one too many lonkero in Helsinki (a ready made drink grapefruit soda and gin drink) I was lonkeroed out, and wanted to find a Tallinn equivalent. So per Travel Man's recommendation I went to the Pegasus Bar in search of one. Vana Tallinn is an Estonian liqueur containing Jamaican rum, herbs, and spices. My bartender Olga, let me sample it, which was very sweet of her, but that it was delivered in a frosty shot glass should have forewarned me as to its palatability. After a short consult, it was decided to mix it into a cocktail called a Visit to Tallinn (Van Tallinn, Lemon Juice, Bitters, Egg White, Orange Peel). Even though she made it extra sour it was still way too sweet - it's the only sour drink I ever had that doesn't come with simple syrup.

As production only started in 1960, I think Vana Tallinn is some kind of Cold War ersatz Estonian Southern Comfort, made to numb the soul with alcohol, feed the body with calories with enough sugar to just get it down.

Coffee the next morning at Caffeine. The best part of the place being noticing a more authentic coffee place located directly next door.

The Walls of Tallinn which still encircle a portion of the Old Town were then scaled. For €4 we then specifically walked the portion between Hellemann and Munkadetagune Tower.

Then following a sign for a "minibar," we stumbled down some stairs into the Art Studio Ichtus. It's literally a medieval dungeon where artist Aleksandr Savchenkov creates and displays haunting medieval paintings of Tallin by candlelight while listening to The Attack of The Dead Men by Sabaton.

After that we ended up at the town square and I asked Mrs. AAR to scan from left to right and pick a winner for lunch. She went with a rather kitschy looking place called Olde Hansa, which at least sounded more appetizing than the Peppersack and more authentic than MammaMia Clazz Restaurant. Andrean served us a Reval’s Meat Tasting Plate with deer sirloin, paté, and orange tongue jelly. I washed it down with 5 cl. of Noble Hunting Party’s Bear Schnapps. It all could have been a little too kitschy but Andrean's enthusiasm, his authentic costume with elf shoes, the quality of the meat, and the lighting provided by the open candle chandeliers made it all work.²

Executive time back at the hotel where I tirelessly worked on the this Report, the Stockholm Report, the Helsinki Report and various future WitFoH.com Footsteps.

I then hit the streets and visited the Sigmund Freud Bar, trying to get to the bottom of why Estonians drink Vana Tallinn. Since I had failed to visit his house in Vienna, I figured this could be a do over. Unfortunately the drink menu was the curled laminated one you get at poolside bar in Boca, the kind with photos of each drink, each with a name like the "Holly Berry." So . . .

I went next door to Beer and Barrel, where Patricia the bartender spoke with me at length about Vana Tallinn but together we still couldn't understand why anyone drank it. I then enquired if there was another liquor that captured the essence of Tallinn (she spoke English quite well), and then together decided that a Tanker Select Lager was the best option. Kuba, a gent from the Czech Republic got in on the conversation and then we attempted to answer the question male travelers have been discussing since man first left the Rift Valley some 80,000 years ago . . .

"Would you pretend to like ABBA if a beautiful woman was involved?" Answer, "Yes."

We also discussed with Patricia "Did the place not serve any American beer due to some sort of anti-Trump backlash?" Answer, "No, but can't we all just get along."

Then onto the Prisma grocery store to buy Mrs. AAR a late night fruit for snacking. While many travel blogs accentuate the white sand beaches, perfectly prepared bronzini and cultural exchanges with locals, this one brings the truth. Which in this case focused on the cashier speaking in Estonian and then motioning to me, "What kind of apelsin is this?" With me then motioning back, "How would I know, I don't work here?" Only to then to realize that I had failed to weigh the apelsin and apply a sticker that the scale spit out. Then after it was all (not) said and done, I tried to walk through the exit turnstile without scanning my receipt.³

The next morning: coffee at Pulla Bakery. While the long line was primarily due to it baking the proverbial best cinnamon and cardamom rolls in Tallin, it might have partially been affected by the place having only one baker/barista/server who ends up being like the proverbial one legged woman in an ass kicking contest. Worth the wait.

Even though the Iron Curtain fell over 30 years ago, visiting any country that used to be located behind it makes me think of the Cold War, those Russian fur hats, and the KGB. When I heard that an adjacent hotel was the epicenter of Cold War Estonian intrigue and there was now (of course) a museum about it, I knew the Hotel Viru & KGB Museum needed to be visited.

Practicing my SERE skills vs. a three lettered organization that violates human rights and dignity (in preparation for my return home)

The Hotel Viru opened in 1972, based on getting Western tourists to spend hard currency behind the Iron Curtain while the KGB monitored their every move. It was therefore rife with bugs, informers, and tape recorders. When the Soviets departed on Nov 10, 1991, they left it all behind which in the spirit of Estonia's newfound capitalism was turned into a €17 tourist attraction. This museum is less about the artifacts and more about our tour guide Mart, who lived though it all, giving a personal account of Estonian life during the Cold War in fluent but heavily Estonian accented English (which for some reason made it all the more authentic). Excellent.

One of the more interesting artifacts was a special camera used to take photos of unsuspecting Westerners through peepholes that were drilled throughout the building. If you think it may be a little too sophisticated for Soviet engineering, you would be correct, as it was designed and manufactured by imprisoned post-WWII Germans who used to work for Zeiss.

Back in the "shared social kitchen" at our Helsinki digs, some kids (~30 year olds) said that we needed to eat Estonian dumplings and we needed to eat them at Pelmen kohvik. So we did. The platter of herring fillets was excellent with the chef not scrimping on the number or size of the fillets. The lamb and garlic dumplings though were underwhelming which may have been due our server forgetting to include the sour cream dipping sauce.

Then an inspection of the Cross of Liberty and the Monument to the War of Independence. It's refreshing to see a country that honors those who stood up to Russian aggression, atrocities, and thuggery.

Cedric the Entertainer

Coffee and käsitööküpsised at Coffee Kitchen, the coffee place next to Caffeine that offered a more Estonian coffee experience, that included enjoying it on Vana-Posti street watching the world go by. Then a 1.5 hour free walking tour with Tales of Reval. Cedric did an outstanding job, as instead of just pointing out landmarks, etc., he told stories that brought medieval Tallinn to life (I hadn't heard the words "Hanseatic League" since high school). It may not have been the best walking tour I ever took, but it had the most energy and the best costumes (Cedric used to work at Old Hansa). A little hammy, but the Boar's Head kind and not the stuff you get at Walmart.

St. Catherine's Passage was passed through. A very nice one that makes you think you may be back in the Middle Ages, if it wasn't for the pizzeria sign. Then again it was Beer O'clock and we were feeling a little hungry for a little al fresco Carciofi Grigliati and Spaghetti alla carbonara alla Controvento at Controvento Ristorante Bar Pizzeria.

At least they got the turtleneck right

Then on to not one but two viewing platforms, Kohtuotsa and Patkuli, that allowed me to get my daily 12,500 steps and good views of that Old Town Tallinn. After which I wound my way back to the ranch via the the worst sculpture of Sean Connery I have ever seen.

Lodgings

Our accommodations on the Tallink Stockholm to Helsinki ferry were so acceptable that I decided to use them for our hotel: the Tallink City Hotel is located just outside Old Town and due to Estonian economics our cheapest European lodgings at $100 per night.

Some notes about the balance of my weeklong stay in the Silicon Valley of Europe can be found here.

Endnotes: I wanted to provide some very specific details that, while vaguely interesting, did not contribute to the overall narrative. Perhaps just wait until the end to enjoy.     

¹ When Mrs. AAR asked "Why Tallin?" I replied that it really was all about taking a ferry vs. a plane. Though initially dumbfounded by my answer after taking the ferry she found herself in full agreement.

² The candle lit chandeliers at Old Hansa may not have met code, but I felt just a little better when I noticed a nearby pail of water.

³ To make things that much more confusing, "apelsin" means orange in Estonian.