Helsinki - elokuu¹ 2025

Upon hearing I might visit Finland, a Subscriber mentioned to me that due to its proximity to Russia, he feared for my safety, stating “You might end up in a gulag!“ To which I replied “I'm more likely to end up in a gulag if I stay in the United States.”²

After debarking from Tallink's Stockholm to Helsinki ferry, and walking 10 minutes I was showering in my hotel room. A very gentle way to enter any country and far better than my Swedish Swindle.

Finland introduced a new drink for the 1952 Olympics (my kind of Olympics), called a lonkero (a Finnish contortion of the English: long drink). A ready mixed drink of gin and grapefruit soda. My first pint was at the Ateljee Bar atop the 13 story Torni Hotel, the tallest building downtown Helsinki. It’s all very inspirational, so much so I have an idea to introduce a drink for the 2028 LA Summer Olympics. If after your lankero you don't have to go, you may want to go anyway . . .

A View from the Loo

Then Yes Yes Yes for some vegan tapas. While I love tapas, much like the afterlife I'm agnostic when it comes to vegan, so it was more about having had a terrible steak on the ferry from Stockholm the night before, and that Helsinki shuts down on Sundays. So I typed into my phone "Helsinki restaurants open on Sunday" and the next thing I know I'm enjoying some delicious Taco’s, Oyster mushroom, chipotle, white beans, salsa and another lonkero.

Helsinki is knitted together by system of trams and what better introduction than the SpåraKoff, a tram that is also effectively a mobile bar (the pub tram) serving draft beer and lonkero. There's no tour guide on the 40 minute ride, but we listened to a local cover the highlights with a Dutch friend in the lingua franca of Europe . . . English.

Lappi Ravintola for some authentic Finnish food. And by authentic I mean two kinds of reindeer (carpaccio and air dried) as well as salmon tartar, a fish roe parfait, wild mushroom salad, marinated ciscoes, farm cheese and cloudberries. All served in what appears to be a Lappish log cabin with mounted reindeer heads, furs, and snow shoes. To increase the authenticity I also drank a Reindeers Tear which is a chilled shot of Koskenkorva and three cranberries. Koskenkorva is a Finnish vodka-like spirit that is super-smooth due to its meticulous distillation process . . . and the added sugar. It's so smooth that I'm having second thoughts about my vow not to drink straight vodka on a daily basis.

I've visited more than few libraries during my travels, the Library of Congress, the Seattle Central Library and the Book of Kells come to mind, though the less said about the latter the better. The best is now the Helsinki Central Library (the "Oodi"). A stunning piece of undulating Finnish architecture that reminds me of a ship with views of Parliament, people playing chess and drinking coffee. Not only can you check out books, but a sewing machine, a 3-D printer, an ironing board and a kantele (a Finnish zither). All that and no crazy guy yelling obscenities at the librarian. The Official AAR's Greatest Library in the World.

A Finnish Subscriber mentioned Elite as a place to eat and since our unofficial tram guide concurred, a reservation was made. Old style charm since 1932 in a English basement Finnish functionalist space. I had a Tauno Palo style sirloin steak, created in honor of the eponymous Finnish actor and singer who for some inexplicable reason enjoyed his steak covered with creamed onions. Thankfully Mrs. AAR noticed and I had them on the side. I kicked it off with a Negroni that tasted fine but was a little on the petite size as I think cocktail recipes become diminutivized by the use of the metric system.

En route Elite we passed a protest in front of the equestrian statue of Marshal Mannerheim, who is the George Washington of Finland. It was about the Russian invasion of a peaceful democracy, no not the Winter War (1939-40) when the Soviet Union invaded Finland, but the Russian invasion of the Ukraine (2022-??).

Everyone I met in Helsinki mentioned that we had to sauna at a place called Löyly (including our unofficial tram tour guide). Now I've been told in more than one city of a must visit attraction (e.g. the Mona Lisa and the Warner Brothers Studios TCM Tour) and have been occasionally been let down. But my sauna at Löyly was the highlight of my trip to the Pearl of the Baltic Sea.

Sauna (in Finland pronounced "sow nah"), a steam bath in which the steam is provided by water thrown on hot stones, is a Finnish obsession. And after partaking in Löyly's four separate saunas: a low light church of a sauna, one smokey, one normal, and another that that looks out over the Baltic, I can understand why. Via my club back at home,³ I've been aware of its improved cardiovascular health benefits for many years, though this place takes it to the next level in aesthetics, temperature and moisture. The fact that you can then plunge into the icy Baltic afterwards makes for an extremely refreshing interlude or a very effective interrogation technique.

I met a real smorgasbord of people here, though immediately identified the Finns as they are the ones who ladle more water onto the stones even though the the temperature in the sauna is just below scalding (at one point I had to put my hands on my ears as I thought they might burst into flames).

Mrs. AAR had her own swimsuit, and when she heard that I was going to rent one for €8 exclaimed, "Really? You know somebody's wiener's been in that!"

Much like not eating smørrebrød in Copenhagen, if you don't sauna in Helsinki you may have never really visited it at all.⁴

Jean Sibelius was of course the second greatest Nordic composer of the late Romantic era.⁵ And what better place than Helsinki, where he studied and premiered many of his symphonies and tone poems, to erect the Sibelius Monument. The sculpture reminds me of the Vietnam Veterans Memorial in that it was so abstract that a sculpture of Sibelius' face was added to placate the critics.

Sibelius Monument, Eila Hiltunen, Stainless Steel, 1967

One of things on Mrs. AAR's bucket list was to dine in a Michelin-star restaurant in Helsinki, so a hard to make last minute reservation at Grön was made, no doubt helped by mentioning the AfterActionReport.info. It didn't get off to a good start as our server didn't know what kind of beer they had . . . just kidding. An outstanding multi-course meal featuring "a set menu based on the seasonal highest-quality Finnish and Nordic produce." My favorite was the "Tomato, oregano, radish and red currant pie," as after popping the inch long disc into my mouth, it tasted like a tiny New York City pizza. You know a restaurant might offer good service when the staff outnumbers the customers with them all working in unison to keep your open beer bottle on ice, filling your glass just in time. It was all a little more than I'd like to pay, but as Mrs. AAR said to me, "What's the point of having money, if not to set it on fire."

Helsinki Cathedral is a very nice one, but I could never really appreciate it, as due to renovation it was covered in a shroud. Well that and whenever Mrs. AAR or I mentioned its name, the other would singingly reply . . . "you're bringing me down."

Much like Stockholm, Helsinki is all about the water, in fact it's surrounded by it. So a ferry to Suomenlinna, a sea fortress was required. Located about 15 minutes away, the ferry gives you a unique perspective on Helsinki, followed by a very pleasant 60 minute walk through a fortress, drydock, museum, and church. It wasn't the most dynamic trip I ever took, just a nice way to spend an afternoon.

The end came too soon, and a 15 minute tram ride and a two hour ferry we were in Tallinn, Estonia.

Need of more Helsinki? Then try Helsinki, etc. 

Lodgings

Initially per Travel Man, the Klaus K Hotel was booked, but after using Dicta 3 of the AAR Lodgings Protocol, it was subsequently canceled and a room at the Bob W Kaarti was booked. While this allowed considerable savings, the place had more a hostel vibe: we had our own room with access to a large shared social kitchen, laundry (which after 40 days on the road was quite welcome), polaroid camera and of course a sauna. The room also came with a window that (didn't) open(ed) into the communal living area and a smell coming out of the shower drain.

Endnotes: I wanted to provide some very specific details that, while vaguely interesting, did not contribute to the overall narrative. Perhaps just wait until the end to enjoy.

¹ elokuu in Finnish is August (that's right, the "e" is not capitalized).

² I didn't tell him the plan was to continue on to Tallinn, Estonia as I didn't want to give him a heart attack.

³ The YMCA.

⁴ Every sauna in the States that I've even been in is a half-ass version of the Finnish experience, most likely due to the extreme temperature and moisture possibly causing death and even worse an ensuing lawsuit.

⁵ The greatest Nordic composer of the Romantic era is of course, Edvard Grieg.