I like to think of myself as a closer, so after an NZ Road Trip: The North Island, I still had one more island to go.
Day 1 - 2
Marlborough
To celebrate a successful crossing of one of the most dangerous and unpredictable waters in the world, after deboarding the M/V Kaiarahi at Picton, an icy cold Sauvignon blanc was most definitely in order. So I googled “best Sauvignon blanc in Marlborough” and was guided to . . .
As soon as I saw hundreds of sheep grazing amongst the vines I knew Spy Valley Winery was going to work out quite nicely.
The menu listed prices for a glass from $20-30 NZD, which while at $12-15 USD was not cheap, it was certainly reasonable to enjoy a 2023 Spy Valley Sauvignon blanc whilst snacking on a delightful charcuterie and a view of the vineyard from a modern lounge area (a space that has become a requirement for most wineries). Midway through, the experience became even better when I realized I had been reviewing the bottle prices and my glass was only $6 USD . . . though then I kicked myself for not just ordering a bottle.
Our sommelier discussed the finer points of the passion fruit and oak notes before mentioning that the Cork & Keg English Pub Restaurant & Motels in nearby Renwick could be a nice place to stay.
Lodgings: The Cork & Keg English Pub Restaurant & Motels ($100 USD) was now the second hotel in New Zealand that required check-in at the bar and I was worried that this could be habit forming.
The infrared heating system made a creaking sound which I found annoying. This condition was stated on the room information sheet like it was supposed to make me feel better. And therefore I was hopeful, that this same piece of laminated paper didn't mention "Walls are so thin you will hear your neighbors" and "Bathroom is just a little too tight." It didn't, but both issues were also annoying. As was the internet (crappy), the room lighting (blinding or completely dark), and the pillow (both quantity and quality). Terrible or as booking.com would say "Pleasant."
Since the place is not only a Motels, but an English Pub Restaurant, it could be a good place to get a bad pizza and have a drunken local scrawl a map on a pizza box of what you should see on the balance of your South Island road trip.
Day 2-3
Kaikōura
Kaikōura means "meal of crayfish" in Māori, so a "meal of crayfish" was most definitely in order. Now normally I eat at the '#1 TripAdvisor restaurant in any city I visit, and even though Cods & Crayfish was the third-best seafood restaurant, I went with it as it gave off that New England lobster shack sort of vibe: near the beach, a dining room of outdoor picnic tables, a rustic no nonsense sort of place that says "all the money is in the food, and not the tablecloths." No liquor license, but if one were so inclined a gigundo bottle of Steinlager Classic could be purchased at the adjacent Super Liquor. All that and a tank full of live crayfish. For $88 USD we went with the Crayfish Platter: one crayfish, two large filets of blue cod, chips, and slaw. Simply delicious.
Due to assorted geographic and hydrographic conditions, the thing to do in Kaikōura (besides eating not inexpensive crayfish) is watching whales. It is one of the few places possible to see whales from the shore, but in an effort to inject $100 USD pp into the local economy, we took a whale watching tour with Whale Watch Kaikoura.
I saw numerous petrels, albatrosses, and dolphins. At one point I saw a New Zealand fur seal and thought if it needs to be eaten in order for me to see a sperm whale, then I'm fine with that. Subsequently, I saw another seal with a giant squid in his mouth, thrashing it from side to side in an effort to break it into pieces, pretty cool. A real National Geographic moment caught on film by an intrepid filmmaker.
I did not see a whale, though it wasn't catastrophic, as the outfit has an 80% money-back guarantee if you don't.
Lodgings: A guy who was doing some electrical work at Cods & Crayfish mentioned that the Kaikoura Waterfront Apartments would be a very good place to stay. So he put us on the blower with the manager who quoted a rate of $91 USD, which compared to the $148 USD quoted on booking.com made me quite excited. When we arrived at the place I was even more excited as it looked quite new, modern, and luxurious. After check-in, the manager took us next door to the Kaikoura Beach Motel, which was a little less new and a little more rustic. And by rustic, I mean without heat. I then checked the place out on booking.com which quoted a rate of . . . $91 USD. This was now the second day in a row that the local touch had been less than touching and got me to thinkin' that maybe I should take the humanity out of the lodging decision.
Day 3-4
Hanmer Springs
The Hanmer Springs Thermal Pools ($31 USD) is why people come to this eponymous town. It contains 22 pools, each containing varying minerals, water, and heat, with the hottest topping out at a very soothing 42°C/107°F. After my stopover in Rotorua during my North Island New Zealand road trip, the idea of hitting another thermal pool was ok with me. As it is all very healing I was hopeful it would help with my condition.
Hey, in the end, it wasn't the Blue Lagoon, but then again it wasn't $100 USD.
After a two-hour hydrologic workout (you gotta get your money's worth) a meal was most definitely in order, Monteiths Brewery Bar provided an excellent seafood chowder and green-lipped muscles (Thai-style) paired with a bad Sauvignon blanc via glacial service. You know the Sauvignon blanc might not taste good when the stem of the glass is warm to the touch.
Lodgings: The Settlers Boutique Motel gets a 9.8 on Expedia. No matter what Mrs. AAR tells you, we’ve stayed in some pretty nice places, but I’ve never stayed in one that got a 9.8 on Expedia.com. With a price of $112 USD, I knew it wouldn't come with a private butler or a Rolls-Royce airport transfer. Though it did come with a well-appointed interior and a very nice bathroom making it the nicest motel I've ever stayed in. Unfortunately due to a slightly sketchy internet and a bathroom mirror that was not located over the sink, I can only give the place a 9.7.
Day 4 - 5
Christchurch - Lake Tekapo
I was excited to stop by the Transitional Cathedral as I had never been inside a church made out of cardboard. It was built as a temporary church after the real one was damaged during the 2011 Christchurch earthquake. The place played a role in helping the city heal after the 2019 mass shootings at two local mosques and I liked the idea of a church using religion as a warm blanket instead of a leaden cudgel.
There was a meeting going on, with some guy in a red sash not being very welcoming, and then he prevented me from taking photos of the cardboard so . . .
Punting on the Avon sounded dusty especially after we saw the guy who did the punting wearing a get-up that included a straw hat. Instead, we had a beer and a prawn cocktail at Kong followed by Walking on Avon.
Christchurch could have been a good place to hunker down for a few days but we had only five days left on our rental car so . . .
Lake Tekapo is the largest dark-sky reserve in the southern hemisphere with night skies in the area being almost completely free of light pollution and therefore ideal for star-gazing. So being the amateur astronomers that we are, we signed up for Lake Tekapo: Stargazing Experience for $65 USD/person. Unfortunately immediately after the booking was made, as if on cue, the storm clouds rolled in. No worries though as unlike my whale excursion this one came with a 100% money-back guarantee.
Dinner at Mackenzies Bar & Grill. In what I think is a cost savings measure they make you grill your own tomahawk steak for two on a very hot stone a la Korean BBQ. With all the fixin's it runs $60 USD.
The best part of the evening was talking to fellow Tomahawkers, Sayeed and Olivia, two Lebanese-Australians who spoke so highly about the wonder, antiquity, and most importantly safety of Lebanon that a Beirut adventure is possibly in the offing.
Lodgings: My first choice to bed down in Lake Tekapo was the Peppers Bluewater Resort Lake Tekapo. The website stated a rate of $136 USD, but when I went inside to book they wouldn't honour it (and they weren't very nice). So I booked online with option number two which should have been option one from the get-go: more luxurious, more economical.
Matariki Star ($112 USD) was a one-bedroom, modern, clean, and spacious, with a seamless check-in via a lockbox. It didn't come with heat which is not uncommon, but did come with an electric blanket.
During a morning walk around Lake Tekapo, Mrs. AAR mentioned that this glacially cyan lake was so cold that dead bodies sank to the bottom, never to be found. Something about the cold affecting the gases in the body. I found this as fascinating as it was unsettling and subsequently made sure I didn’t get between her and the lake for the balance of our walk.
Day 5 - 6
Mount Cook - Wānaka
The Mount Cook National Park Visitor Centre offered some interesting exhibits and fine views of where Mount Cooke would be if it wasn't obscured by cloud cover. As entry was free I wasn't concerned about a money-back guarantee.
Quite serendipitously we made our way to the nearby Sir Edmund Hillary Café & Bar at the Hermitage Hotel, which offered an even better view of a now unobscured Mount Cook. Possibly the highest mountain I’ve ever seen,
Another day another glacial lake, Lake Wānaka. The eponymous town was filled with a bunch of kids (i.e. twenty-year-olds) as new snow had fallen on nearby mountains and they were on break from “uni."
The Water Bar for some excellent grilled mushrooms, a jug of Speights Gold Medal Ale 4%, and lake views. A good place to book our lodgings and watch the Canberra Raiders beat the Sydney Roosters (14-12).
Rippon Winery for an old-fashioned tasting and by that I mean free. At least it could have been if we didn't buy two bottles. They do a tasting of six wines every 30 minutes, so it was a wham bam thank you ma’am experience. Great, but brief views of the lake.
Lodgings: The Wānaka Hotel ($112 USD) offered us possibly the last room in town. The place has a connecting bar, coffeehouse, gaming parlour, and liquor store. All it needed was a pizza joint and it could have fulfilled all of a traveler's primal needs.
Day 6 - 7
Te Anau
Another day another glacial lake, Lake Te Anau. A perfect #AARBeerOclock Steinlager Super Cold stop-over on the way to Milford Harbour.
Lodgings: The Aden Motel was listed on booking.com for $87 USD. So in a continuation of a Sisyphean odyssey, I drove to the property and asked them to beat the booking.com price. Now, normally I would then be quoted a price that's actually greater, but in this case, Irene made my day by quoting me $82. Delightfully clean and appointed.
Irene may just be the greatest motelier I’ve ever met. Instead of handing me the key, she came around the desk, and I asked “Are you going to take me to my room?” To which she replied “What? Do you expect me to just hand you the key and point to where your room is?” It's the only place I ever rented that came with two luggage racks (think about it).
The entire place is for sale and for $495,000 NZD it can be all yours.
Day 8 - 9
Milford Sound
On the road to Milford Sound, we stopped at the put out for the Lake Marian Track, which led to a rope bridge which led to a primordial walking path that led to a scene from The Last of the Mohicans . . . that is if Hawkeye dressed in bucks, Levi's 511 Slim Cut Jeans, a Gore-Tex pullover and an oddly shaped knit cap.
Then we toured Milford Sound, actually a fiord,¹ via Cruise Milford. My prose and photos can’t do it justice, though a fellow travel blogger once called it the "eighth wonder of the world," and I wouldn’t disagree.
While I did see some seals and dolphins, I had been informed that we would see some penguins and when I didn’t, I immediately thought . . . money-back guarantee?
Day 10
Queenstown
Dropped off the rental car and then spent 42.533 Hours in Queenstown.
Endnotes: I wanted to provide some very specific details that while vaguely interesting did not contribute to the overall narrative. Perhaps just wait until the end to read.
¹ Of course a fiord is an underwater valley carved by glaciers, whilst a sound is formed by seawater that moves inland by way of a river valley.
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